


I'd Rather It Be Me Than Her

by UnintendedTrustfall



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Ideation, The Flash 3x20, trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 06:03:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10870623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnintendedTrustfall/pseuds/UnintendedTrustfall
Summary: Julian asks Cisco about the fact that on two separate occasions now, he's proposed himself dying. (3x13 mentioned, set in 3x20)





	I'd Rather It Be Me Than Her

"What if I can't control my powers, and I end up killing her?" Cisco almost screamed and then he seemed to stop himself and take a breath.

Julian wasn't sure what he'd expected Cisco to say. Julian had been heartbroken since Caitlin had turned into Killer Frost and disappeared from STAR labs.

He knew he'd wanted to get her back. He knew he hadn't thought Team Flash was doing enough to get her back. And he knew he was frustrated beyond all hell that Cisco, somebody with the power to stop Killer Frost, hadn't even tried to stop her. He'd just stood there. Frozen. Twice.

He'd wanted to know why, why, _why_ had Cisco just _stood_ there, and let her get away. But now that he'd told him that he was afraid that his own powers would be too dangerous, too out of control, that he was afraid of risking killing her-- Julian wasn't sure what to say. That actually seemed very reasonable.

"She's my best friend," Cisco continued, his voice starting to break, "And I'd rather it be me than her."

And then he left. And all of this was a lot for Julian to take in but the glaringly obvious one that was smacking Julian in the face had nothing to do with Caitlin at all. And he was worried about more than just Caitlin now. And he wanted to push for more explanation, but he didn't. Because Caitlin was still out there. And Cecile was in danger. And there was work to be done.

* * *

Julian had medical qualifications, yes. But every minor injury that someone at STAR labs received that he had to look over, he worried that something more serious might show up in the future. Something as horrifying and severe as Caitlin's injuries had been. But he'd had her coaching him through that.

He didn't feel qualified enough to play the role of team medical doctor and surgeon on his own.

Cecile had been alright, just a little bruised and terrified. Joe had been alright. Barry was already healing on his own.

Julian had determined that Cisco had a few cracked ribs, some minor burns, and a mild concussion. But after tending the burns, there wasn't much he could do for the other two things.

So while Cisco got up from the examination table to head back to the cortex, holding his injured side gingerly, Julian finally asked him,

"What did you mean, back in the hallway?"

Cisco looked up at Julian and then turned away, dismissively.

"What're you talking about?"

"Cisco. You said you'd rather it be you than her. What did you mean?"

Cisco sighed.

"I am so tired, Julian-- I just got blown up and thrown into a bunch of barrels, so, I'm sorry if I don't really feel like talking about--"

"You meant you'd rather die, didn't you?" Julian cut in, "You meant if it came down to you risking killing her or her killing you, you'd rather die."

Cisco turns back and looked at Julian. He did look exhausted. But not just in a physical way.

"Yup. You got me. I'd rather not risk killing my best friend--"

"You'd let her kill you before you used your powers to defend yourself."

"If it meant keeping her alive?! Yeah, Julian! I would!"

Julian swallowed, collecting his counter argument and said,

"This is the second time you've said something like that,"

"Like I don't wanna kill Caitlin? Gee, shocker--"

"No, I mean this is the second time you've suggested you die." Julian snapped, closing in, "You said it before. Back when we were trapped in Grodd's cage. You said that if we killed you, then Grodd couldn't get back to Central City."

"Well, was I wrong?!"

"Cisco, are you serious about dying?" Cisco didn't say anything and Julian said, lowering his voice, "Look, mate... I heard-- I know it's been a... rough year for you. But you don't need to--"

"I didn't do anything, did I?!" Cisco exploded, "No. So, if I have to die to keep Caitlin safe from me? I will. And if me dying will keep Central City safe from being overrun by genetically engineered super gorillas? _I will_. So, don't try to tell me what I do and don't need to do, Julian, because I know what my powers are. And if I have to die to stop myself from becoming like..."

Cisco trailed off and Julian wasn't sure who he might be referring to. But he dropped it and looked Julian in the eyes again and said,

"Just... don't worry about it, okay? We've got bigger things to worry about than my stupid powers. So, let's get back to work, alright?"

And Cisco headed back toward the cortex. Julian watched him leave and thought this might be another problem he'd need to keep an eye on.


End file.
